I unlocked my phone in the morning and saw I had a missed call and a voicemail, I didn’t recognize the number so I went to listen to the voicemail: “Hey,” I heard in a soft tone, seemed unsure “I’m glad you didn’t pick up.” Now I knew who it was, she always had this soft slow tone to her voice and a little bit of an accent that I always said I loved, she never believed me.
“I was just… I was just here, back here and I’ve had a little bit to drink but I’ve wanted to do this for a while. Oh, it’s ‘me’ if you haven’t figured that out yet, I changed my number” I could tell she was drunk.
“How are you? I just want… I just have so much to say” She took a deep breath and for a second I think she forgot she was on the phone. “I miss you… so much. Everyday. I always want to talk to you, to call you, to hear your voice, to tell you I miss you but you hurt me so much…for what? Why would you hurt me so much?? Was this payback for something I’ve done? Did hurting me hurt you at all?” I didn’t know what to think.
“You see, I don’t talk, you know that, you said it yourself, I don’t know how to express my feelings but I feel so much… and you know I do, I just never put it in words but isn’t it funny that’s exactly what I’m trying to do now? It hurt me so much. It still does. If you didn’t know now you do. I still cry at night and I get so angry at myself because I don’t think you’ve ever even been upset about losing me.
I cared so much for you, about you… I still do, I still want all your wishes to come true, I hope you get what you want. I hope you do become the football player you always wanted to be even though your dad never approved… That’s what pains me even more- I keep putting you first. I haven’t felt love the way I felt with you, I always have you on the back of my mind.” She stops and takes a deep breath. “I don’t want this to be a soppy drunken call. I just want you to feel bad, because the person I was, I am not anymore… I don’t know how to be that person anymore. I just hurt all the time and you’re so unaffected. I need you to feel my pain, just for a second, just to see how much it hurts… Why did you do this to me? I was so good to you. I rooted for you, I fought for your dreams with you, I helped you in any way I could, I loved you unconditionally, I loved your family, I cared for them even when I was so scared they wouldn’t like me, I was there for you for whatever… for when you were tired, angry, annoyed… I was there. But you lied. It hurts so much…
I feel like I was the little cousin you always lie to because they’re just annoying.” I heard a laugh.
“Funny, isn’t it? In all honestly I’m not sure what the worse part of it all was. I don’t know if it was losing you, if it was the lies, the fact that you didn’t love me or the fact that you kept showing me exactly what would happen and I still had faith in you. You just hurt me. So much… I’m not sure I know how to get back on my feet. Don’t think I haven’t been trying but every time I think I’m going to make it I catch myself thinking about how happy I wanted to make you while the whole time you knew you would break me at some point, you just didn’t know when.”
She sighed, “But hey, I don’t hate you. I just hope you learn and although it pains me to even think about it, when you find someone else, I hope you’re gentle with their heart, I hope you never put anyone through this again. I hope you find happiness and understand that a broken heart is a broken soul. I can only hope you don’t do it again, but I do wish you hadn’t done it to me. Goodnight…”
She hung up.
